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Why Paying Attention to the Small Things is Important

Little things make big changes. In our culture we have so many expressions that represent this principle: "A stitch in time saves nine” ...

For many reasons some of us try to minimize or ignore either our own feelings (anger, frustration, sadness, etc.) with our partner or our partner’s feelings.

  • It might show up as a quick “comforting” gesture meant to tell our partner subtly to get over their emotions quickly please.
  • Perhaps it is a habit of just not saying something when our partner has done or said something to hurt, shame or embarrass us.
  • It might even be your self-talk when you convince yourself that what you are feeling is silly or out of proportion and so you focus on talking yourself out of even acknowledging your own pain or disappointment.

Since this pattern is so pervasive and we are all guilty of it at times it must have some pretty big advantages right?!

Well, in the short term this ignoring of the little things seems brilliant! It lets us do a number of things:

  1. Not feel the pain of the moment as intensely - be that our pain or our partner’s pain as we implement strategies to convince our own brain that ‘it’s not that big a deal’.
  2. Blame shift - we can become the hero who isn’t bringing something up and therefore feel a little bit better about ourself or when we are minimizing our partner’s emotions we can feel great about being wiser and helping them get perspective - so we may be telling ourself.
  3. Avoiding conflict and difficult conversations can just give us the illusion that we got away with not having to feel the discomfort that can come with honest talks.
  4. Focusing on what we know how to do feels better. Staying in our comfort zone feels less vulnerable and more powerful. Feelings are messy and unpredictable.
  5. Allocate our precious emotional resources. Sometimes we just don’t have much left in our tank so we minimize and let slide all kinds of things to conserve energy.

So, with so many reasons why we minimize, there better be some good reasons why not to right!

I’ll end with my own start on that list but also want to share this great article I found while doing my research: This Is Exactly Why You Should Stop Minimizing Your Partner’s Feelings

So, what are compelling reasons for taking the small things seriously:

1. The little things we notice are often part of something bigger already. If they aren’t they will likely become part of a bigger pattern.

2. When we don’t deal with the small frustrations that matter - like disrespect, shaming, possessiveness, mean sarcasm, threatening body language, etc. we can become desensitized to them. They become normal, we stop being as shocked as we should be by them. The behaviors tend to get worse and the inertia to do something about it lessens.

3. Emotional conversations are easier when the issue is smaller. Once it has become big it has more tendrils and is more complicated to talk through.

4. When we pay attention to the small things in our relationships, they can usually be handled with some compassionate listening and care. They don’t have to escalate. Defensiveness can be minimized or even not present. That helps!

5. Paying attention to the small things and dealing with them builds important relationship muscles - it builds assertiveness, it builds trust, it builds intimacy!

There is a wonderful expression ‘keeping it clean’ used to mean a commitment to not ignoring the little things in a relationship because they do lasting damage. (Think little river … Grand Canyon.)

So, you know I’m going to end with questions.

What have you been trying to minimize or ignore?

Have you been putting up with some ways of being treated that are disrespectful?

What supports would help you be able to initiate some healthy conversations?

Until next time,

Marilyn

The Luv Life Coach


Marilyn Orr, MA, CEC, PCC is a relationship coach with Luv Life Coaching, passionate about equipping couples with the tools for real and lasting intimacy. Learn how to listen better, handle conflict in productive ways and bring out the best in your partner. Contact Marilyn and grow your Luv Life skills today!

Marilyn is hosting her next Couples Workshop on Saturday, June 8 at The Cedars Ranch. To find out more and to register, click here: Couples Workshop at The Cedars Ranch

"I highly recommend this workshop. My partner and I definitely left with a strengthened bond." ~ Couples Workshop Attendee

12 comments (Add your own)

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Sat, May 18, 2019 @ 11:27 AM

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Sat, May 18, 2019 @ 11:28 AM

6. ethan micheal wrote:
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Sat, May 18, 2019 @ 6:23 PM

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Sun, May 19, 2019 @ 8:59 PM

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Tue, May 21, 2019 @ 10:07 AM

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Wed, May 22, 2019 @ 3:08 AM

11. Shally wrote:
MY HUSBAND IS BACK WITH THE GREAT HELP OF DR SAM LOVE SPELL

I’m so excited my broken Marriage has been restored my ex husband is back after he left me and our 2kids for another woman. i was so happy to met Dr. Sam Blogs https://supremespells.blogspot.com how he help many people to bring there Lover back so i contact him to help me too. that was how Dr. Sam help me to bring my husband back.. A big thank to you Dr. Sam because I never thought my ex Husband will be back to me so quickly with your spell. You are the best and world greatest. if you are here and you need your Ex Lover back or your husband moved to another woman, do not cry anymore, contact this powerful spell caster now. Here’s his contact:

Email him at: [email protected] Or [email protected]
WhatsApp Or Call: +2347087462033

Wed, May 22, 2019 @ 7:48 PM

12. ethan micheal wrote:
My name is ethan micheal ,am from USA.i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my husband back, who i sworn ever to be with until when he left me to another woman for no reason and i try to make things work for both of us yet things where getting worse and i love him so much and there is nothing i could do to get my husband back until i met a testimony share by a woman called Stella tea from Australia on the internet talking about a powerful spell caster who brought her husband back within 24hours and i decide to give it a try and to my greatest surprise he also did it for me just as he did for Stella and i have a lot of people complaining of fake spell caster but this one i met was a real spell caster who help me to solve my problem i have no solution to,i introduce many of my best friends that have a similar problems,and their problem were solve with the great help of PRIEST WISDOM .who help them to get back their lovers within 24 hours.i am so happy that my husband is back to me again,and the most surprising thing is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love.i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of PRIEST WISDOM if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him ,he is there to help you and put a smile on your face as he did to me and others.contact email [email protected] or [email protected] you can call /whatsapp him through is mobile number +2348124644470

https://supernaturalspell1.blogspot.com/

THIS MY BLOG

https://ethanmicheal1.blogspot.com/

Wed, May 22, 2019 @ 8:52 PM

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