Strategies We Use To Be Loved & Valued

Why is it that so many of us long for a life partner?

I believe that at our core we long to be known, truly seen and loved. We also long to offer someone else that depth of love. We have other core needs too, such as to be safe, to have our basic physical needs met, etc. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs comes to mind here: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow%27s_hierarchy_of_needs

On top of those core longings or needs, go secondary longings and strategies that are meant to feed our core need to be known and loved.

These secondary longings include things like:

  • to be respected
  • to be seen as smart
  • to be experienced as funny
  • to be protected
  • to be needed
  • to be thought of as handsome or beautiful
  • to be desired sexually
  • to be known as kind
  • to be considered strong

You get the idea. This secondary list could go on almost forever. These secondary longings are not bad either but they sometimes get us in trouble. They can get our relationships in trouble too.

We can mix up the meanings, especially if we were not loved unconditionally very well in our family of origin. So, how does it work?

In my family of origin we didn’t know how to offer love well. I tried using “nice and good” as a way to feel more loved. My brothers chose a variety of other options including funny and smart. It’s not that I’m not nice or my brothers aren’t funny and smart (they are both both!). It’s that we can end up feeling worthy of love because we are nice, smart, funny, etc.

Even if you are someone who is funny, smart, thin, nice, beautiful, well-read and accomplished you may still not genuinely feel loved. You may spend lots of energy still on all these things hoping that they will make you finally feel loved.

The tricky part is that we equate these secondary traits and attempts at getting our needs met with our primary need to be known and loved.

For example:

If you don’t find me nice you may not love me.

If you don’t think I’m smart you may not think I’m worthy of being loved.

If you don’t find me funny you may not want to know me.

We get so practiced at these strategies to be loved and valued (by others and by ourselves) that we don’t see them for what they are. I can be loved even when I’m not 100% nice. I can be loved even if I’m not funny or smart.

These secondary ways of showing up to get our needs met can really get in the way. What if I think I have been getting my need to be loved met because I am beautiful but then get in an accident and am no longer “beautiful” according to my old standard?

The absolute beauty of a good partnership or marriage is that we are able to take away those outer layers as we build trust and the courage to be more vulnerable with our partner. 

In beautiful healthy lasting relationships both people are able to be seen with their shortcomings and strengths, imperfections and gifts, and be deeply loved.

Our secondary strategies come with insecurities and can cause problems in our relationships.

For example:

If I think I need to be seen as smart then it will be hard for me to be wrong.

If I think I need to be strong then it will be hard for me to not be in control.

If I think I need to be beautiful then it will be hard for me to seen when I’m not feeling perfect.

So, how can we love our partner better?

How can we be less frustrated with them when they might be using a secondary strategy?

Tips on dealing with secondary strategies in relationship:

  • Remember that behind a behavior that is annoying you, are two things: 1) My desire to be loved, likely showing up through some secondary strategy, 2) My partner’s desire to be loved likely showing up through some secondary strategy.
  • Look for the secondary strategy that the other person may be using. See it for what it is.
  • Be honest about what feels threatened in you - take time to reflect and be vulnerable.
  • Ask yourself “What would loving them look like if you can’t or don’t want to feed the secondary strategy?”
  • Try to separate out the frustrating situation from the person - you can offer love to someone and feedback on something that bothers you at the same time!

As we “self-actualize”, which is at the top of Maslow’s Hierarchy, we can meet more and more of these needs for ourself and are less vulnerable to other people’s opinions and feedback. Until we meet that level of enlightenment, let’s be generous with our offerings of love and seeing the lovable in each other!

Until next time,

Marilyn Orr

Luv Life Coach

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Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:05 PM

304. wrote:
I used Changenow to get bitcoin by my charge card.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:07 PM

305. wrote:
The issue here is that each pay for could thrust the.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:14 PM

306. wrote:
Bitcoins have to be stored in the Bitcoin wallet.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:19 PM

307. wrote:
Bitcoins need to be stored inside a Bitcoin wallet.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:20 PM

308. wrote:
Coinbase also delivers cryptocurrency wallets.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:24 PM

309. wrote:
We make it safe and easy to buy and sell cryptocurrency.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:24 PM

310. wrote:
Select Bitcoin as the cryptocurrency you intend to buy.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:28 PM

311. wrote:
While this is technically legitimate of.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:33 PM

312. wrote:
Most cash exchanges have no buying limits.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:38 PM

313. wrote:
Nodes distribute bitcoin transactions around the network.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:38 PM

314. wrote:
Crypto accounts help market and restriction orders.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:42 PM

315. wrote:
Select Bitcoin as the cryptocurrency of one's choice.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:51 PM

316. wrote:
Local Bitcoins can be an example of such an exchange.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 9:58 PM

317. wrote:
Bitcoin wallets mostly exist on a spectrum.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:04 PM

318. wrote:
The issue here's that each get could thrust the.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:05 PM

319. wrote:
Another great reason behind buying cryptocurrency.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:08 PM

320. wrote:
Limited cryptocurrency and Fiat buying and selling.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:16 PM

321. wrote:
I linked my bank account including a debit card.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:21 PM

322. wrote:
Cryptocurrency is performed in electronic digital wallets.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:28 PM

323. wrote:
Exchanges offer you info on bitcoin price.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:28 PM

324. wrote:
I linked my bank account and also a debit card.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:29 PM

325. wrote:
Crypto accounts assistance market and limitation orders.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:40 PM

326. wrote:
Limited cryptocurrency and Fiat stock trading.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:40 PM

327. wrote:
Cryptocurrency is placed in electronic wallets.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 10:57 PM

328. wrote:
Buying cryptocurrency has become easier than ever.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:01 PM

329. wrote:
Exchanges offer you home elevators bitcoin price.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:04 PM

330. wrote:
Price may also vary a little between exchanges.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:07 PM

331. wrote:
Local Bitcoins is an example of such an exchange.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:12 PM

332. wrote:
Often times they are not exchanges. asset exchanges.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:19 PM

333. wrote:
Bitcoins need to be stored in the Bitcoin wallet.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:21 PM

334. wrote:
I linked my bank-account and also a debit card.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:27 PM

335. wrote:
Crypto accounts support market and control orders.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:37 PM

336. wrote:
You can even send or obtain cryptocurrency around the
app.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:38 PM

337. wrote:
While this is technically real of.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:40 PM

338. wrote:
Watch and market the entire market from a single platform.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:45 PM

339. wrote:
Binance is really a cryptocurrency exchange.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:45 PM

340. wrote:
Binance is really a cryptocurrency exchange.

Wed, January 22, 2020 @ 11:49 PM

341. wrote:
Instead of staying saved in a centralized data.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:09 AM

342. wrote:
I used Changenow to buy bitcoin by my charge card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:09 AM

343. wrote:
Use a debit or credit card in any currency.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:20 AM

344. wrote:
Crypto accounts support market and limit orders.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:22 AM

345. wrote:
Additional fees for charge card payments implement (~5%).

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:23 AM

346. wrote:
Below, we detailed exchanges you should use to get BTC.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:28 AM

347. wrote:
Binance has, undoubtedly, the very best cryptocurrency exchange app.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:32 AM

348. wrote:
All it takes is a bank account or debit cards.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:42 AM

349. wrote:
Then we have the Crypto to Crypto exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:43 AM

350. wrote:
You need to notice bitcoin deals are irreversible.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:53 AM

351. wrote:
Use a debit or credit card in any currency.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:54 AM

352. wrote:
One platform you can use is LocalBitcoins.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 12:56 AM

353. wrote:
Watch and market the entire industry from a sole platform.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:06 AM

354. wrote:
Bitcoin transactions can't be canceled.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:07 AM

355. wrote:
I linked my bank account and also a debit card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:09 AM

356. wrote:
Europe-based cryptocurrency trade, set up in 2013.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:09 AM

357. wrote:
Bitcoins are actually just secret electronic
codes.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:15 AM

358. wrote:
Cryptocurrency is placed in electronic wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:17 AM

359. wrote:
Coinbase also provides cryptocurrency wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:18 AM

360. wrote:
Then we have the Crypto to Crypto exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:24 AM

361. wrote:
All it requires is a bank-account or debit card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:32 AM

362. wrote:
You can also send or get cryptocurrency on the app.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:34 AM

363. wrote:
You're rolling in the cryptocurrency now.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:35 AM

364. wrote:
Then we've the Crypto to Crypto exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:39 AM

365. wrote:
Pros: Simple charge card purchases. security risks.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:40 AM

366. wrote:
Local Bitcoins can be an example of such an exchange.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:44 AM

367. wrote:
USD with your credit score or debit greeting card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:46 AM

368. wrote:
Crypto accounts help market and control orders.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:46 AM

369. wrote:
I used Changenow to buy bitcoin by my bank card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:48 AM

370. wrote:
Our eyes are set beyond the planet of cryptocurrency.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:50 AM

371. wrote:
Follow easy steps to exchange your cryptocurrency.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:54 AM

372. wrote:
You're rolling in the cryptocurrency now.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:55 AM

373. wrote:
Restricted cryptocurrency and Fiat trading.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:56 AM

374. wrote:
They fluctuate for charge card and bank move.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 1:59 AM

375. wrote:
One platform you can use is LocalBitcoins.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:05 AM

376. wrote:
Price may also vary a little between exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:07 AM

377. wrote:
I linked my bank account along with a debit card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:08 AM

378. wrote:
Crypto accounts assistance market and limitation orders.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:09 AM

379. wrote:
ups and also have a reputation for good customer service.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:12 AM

380. wrote:
I linked my bank-account as well as a debit card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:27 AM

381. wrote:
You're rolling within the cryptocurrency now.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:35 AM

382. wrote:
I used Changenow to get bitcoin by my bank
card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:49 AM

383. wrote:
Binance has, by far, the best cryptocurrency alternate app.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:53 AM

384. wrote:
Pros: Simple charge card purchases. security risks.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 2:55 AM

385. wrote:
Cryptocurrency exchanges will be for traders.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:09 AM

386. wrote:
Binance is a cryptocurrency exchange located in Malta.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:11 AM

387. wrote:
Coinbase also delivers cryptocurrency wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:14 AM

388. wrote:
Which cryptocurrency options they offer.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:21 AM

389. wrote:
You can also send or acquire cryptocurrency within the app.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:24 AM

390. wrote:
Watch and trade the entire industry from a solo platform.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:25 AM

391. wrote:
Minimal cryptocurrency and Fiat trading.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:27 AM

392. wrote:
Bitcoin wallets basically exist on a spectrum.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:32 AM

393. wrote:
Europe-based cryptocurrency exchange, started in 2013.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:32 AM

394. wrote:
Bitcoins need to be stored inside a Bitcoin wallet.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:32 AM

395. wrote:
Price may also vary a little between exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:50 AM

396. wrote:
The issue here's that each pay for could drive the.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:53 AM

397. wrote:
Then we've the Crypto to Crypto exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 3:58 AM

398. wrote:
Instead of getting stashed in a centralized data.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:00 AM

399. wrote:
Then we have the Crypto to Crypto exchanges.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:03 AM

400. wrote:
Coinbase also delivers cryptocurrency wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:08 AM

401. wrote:
Crypto accounts support market and restriction orders.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:10 AM

402. wrote:
Select Bitcoin because the cryptocurrency you intend to buy.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:16 AM

403. wrote:
Local Bitcoins is an example of this exchange.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:20 AM

404. wrote:
The issue here's that each order could drive the.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:20 AM

405. wrote:
Bitcoin wallets largely exist on the spectrum.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:22 AM

406. wrote:
You can also send or get cryptocurrency on the app.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:34 AM

407. wrote:
USD with your credit score or debit cards.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:39 AM

408. wrote:
USD with your credit or debit cards.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:41 AM

409. wrote:
You can also send or get cryptocurrency for the app.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:45 AM

410. wrote:
Cryptocurrency is kept in electronic wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:48 AM

411. wrote:
Coinbase also supplies cryptocurrency wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:54 AM

412. wrote:
Bitcoin transactions can not be canceled.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:57 AM

413. wrote:
ups and also have a reputation for good customer service.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:58 AM

414. wrote:
Binance is really a cryptocurrency exchange located in Malta.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:59 AM

415. wrote:
ups and have a reputation for good customer service.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 4:59 AM

416. wrote:
Limited cryptocurrency and Fiat buying and selling.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:04 AM

417. wrote:
They range for charge card and bank move.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:07 AM

418. wrote:
I linked my bank account along with a debit card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:07 AM

419. wrote:
Which cryptocurrency choices they offer.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:12 AM

420. wrote:
Coinbase also supplies cryptocurrency wallets.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:21 AM

421. wrote:
Crypto accounts support market and limitation orders.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:21 AM

422. wrote:
Go to Exchange and start obtaining Bitcoin.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:23 AM

423. wrote:
I linked my bank-account and also a debit card.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:26 AM

424. wrote:
Which cryptocurrency alternatives they offer.

Thu, January 23, 2020 @ 5:27 AM

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