Let’s Talk Sex
Truly, what kind of couples’ coach would I be without discussing sex, right?!
Great sex is absolutely one of the most special aspects of a great relationship. Conversely stress around sex is one of the hardest things to deal with. In my years as a therapist this was a topic that came up frequently.
What things from your sex life can really negatively impact your relationship?
What are the things that can really make your sex life amazing?
Some great ideas:
Really hearing each other on things that matter is a great way to set the stage for great sex. Some would argue that this is more important to women than men. I’m not sure what the research would show. The reality is that even if this matters way more to one of you than the other you will both benefit from this because you will both be more open to sexual intimacy. The best sex is not just physical, it is about the whole person and so much more intense.
Assertiveness is the ability to know and express what you think and feel without minimizing yourself or harming another. What a great place to work on that skill, lol. Truly, few things are sexier than your partner verbalizing what they are loving with you and wanting with you. If this is hard for you to do it will be easier if you “out yourself” by telling your partner that you want to work on verbalizing more. I’d be shocked if that doesn’t go over well!
Be intensely present
Funny how good advice for life in general is great advice for the bedroom (or wherever you end up playing). The ability to concentrate your thinking on only what is happening to your body and your partners’ body and to the feelings and sensations you are experiencing will greatly intensify your experience. Women can orgasm through intense enough thinking without any physical stimulation. Imagine the possibilities! If you’ve ever been to yoga you will know the phrase “notice without judging”. Learn to put attention to the sensations you are feeling. A great skill to have.
With sexual misconduct accusations abundant in the news these days the topic of inappropriate sexual contact is frequent. “Me too” and “I have” both making news and social media frequency. The reality is that “about one in seven girls and one in 25 boys with be sexually abused before they turn 18.” (Townsend, C., & Rheingold, A.A., (2013). Estimating a child sexual abuse prevalence rate for practitioners: studies. Charleston, S.C., Darkness to Light. Retrieved from www.D2L.org.)
Even if you escaped childhood as one of the lucky ones you may easily have encountered inappropriate or abusive sexual experiences as an adult. Whether or not either of you has had damaging experiences the following ideas are still applicable.
To help heal from past abuse and to prevent damage in your relationship I suggest the following:
Be honest and insistent
Be honest and insistent about what you are comfortable with and NOT comfortable with. If we ignore our little voice that is saying no, we damage our self-trust but also can build up barriers between ourself and our partner without them even knowing. This is so real. If you have been doing this please find the courage to tell your partner and move forward more authentically.
Listen to your partner
What are they telling you? Do not think you can “win them over” by pushing through their objections, etc. This can cause real harm. It is wrong and you will both pay for it long-term and often short-term. Rape occurs between spouses too. It’s still wrong, it is still extremely damaging.
Get professional help
Get professional help if you have previous life experiences that are limiting your ability to be emotionally and sexually intimate with your partner. As women especially you are not alone. One in five women have been the victim of attempted or completed rape in their lifetime. Nearly 1 in 2 women have experienced sexual violence other than rape in their lifetime. (Black, M.C., et al. (2011). The National Intimate Partner and Sexual Violence Survey (NISVS): 2010 Summary Report. Atlanta, GA: National Center for Injury Prevention and Control, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.)
Lovemaking, when done with true love and kindness can be very healing and extremely life giving. It really can grow the love between you and your partner. It is a healthy wellness practice and of course, with past experiences healed, very fun!
I’m a coach, I like to give homework. I’ll let you choose your unique homework assignment this week :)
Until next time,
The Luv Life Coach.
Marilyn Orr is a Relationship Coach with Luv Life Coaching, committed to equipping couples with the tools for real and lasting intimacy. Is Luv Life Coaching an appropriate next step for you? Take our online questionnaire to find out: http://ow.ly/BqTP30bl9VL